Yes, I consider myself to be an athlete. If I had my choice, I would play professional basketball, but that was decided for me years ago when I realized that I just can’t dribble and run at the same time, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I have a heck of a jump shot, and can shoot free throws like nobody’s business, but, as you know, that doesn’t cut it.
When I decided to leave city life behind me and move to a small town 20 miles from my office, I (unknowingly) signed up for my Extreme Sport. It’s not power raking, either, although there are 25 trees in my front and back yards, combined. Nope…it’s “Morning Commute on the Interstate,” and I am THE BEST athlete out there. You might say I’m the KOBE of the ROAD, baby.
Here’s how it works:
I often see the same players because we probably are all going into the city and have to be there by 8 a.m. The usual players are white beamer, puke green minivan, and brown hoopty with the diamond in the back.
Brown Hoopty insists on blasting music. Dummy. It’s distracting, and that’s why you didn’t see that trooper coming at you the other day and you got pulled over. White Beamer thinks he owns the road, and what, besides a candy apple red color, is more obvious than a white beamer on the highway? Puke green minivan is a mom who makes peanut butter sandwiches on the dashboard while her kids play musical chairs as she chats on the phone. She doesn’t get pulled over, though, because she’s too busy going 5 miles UNDER the speed limit and messing up my groove.
Oh, yeah…then there’s me, dark grey Taurus. Here’s what makes me successful at this sport: I’m inconspicuous. Dark grey (slate) colored sedans don’t get pulled over. I’d have to do something really insanely obviously unlawful (and I don’t mean speeding) for the troopers to even look at me. Besides that, I rarely drive in the far left (fast) lane. I prefer the two middle lanes, and yes, there are times when I can’t get around the minivan lady unless I pass in the slow lane. (I know, I know…) BUT: I don’t weave in and out…in an obvious way. I always use my signals when I change lanes, and I always move over and speed up when someone merges onto the highway. (This gives me a chance to speed up to even 20 miles over…just for a second) Basically, I follow the rules. I also follow the fastest drivers, or try to get between or in front of them. That’s my heaven; when I’m on top of my game. When I look in front of me and see the traffic flowing, and my speedometer says I’m doing right around 80, I feel that euphoria… (Remember KOBE in the playoffs earlier this year? The scowling face… OH yeah!)
Then I look at the clock, and that’s where I get my biggest rush: I’m on time. Now it’s time to exit the highway and do a swift, but short navigation through the city traffic. Remember to move over before I get to the BP station because cars always bunch up there…you could lose 3 minutes while you wait for them to get their heads in the game!
My Extreme Sport is a thing of beauty. Maybe I’ll mount a camera on the dash and let you all see it one of these days. Oh, and what do I get when I reach the finish line? I get to my office and the CEO’s not there yet, that’s what. And did I mention that I’ve been a licensed driver since age 17, and I have NOT EVER had a speeding ticket or any other type of moving violation or points on my license? I didn’t say I haven’t been STOPPED; I just have never been given a ticket. I AM SO AWESOME, just like my KOBE.
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